Kicking the Can Down the Road

Why is it so hard?

Downsizing is often described as “simplifying your life,” but anyone who has gone through it knows there is nothing simple about the process. Whether you are an empty nester looking to trade a family home for a more manageable space, a retiree aiming for financial freedom, or someone seeking a fresh start in a new community, downsizing brings with it a complex mix of practical, emotional, and logistical challenges.

For many, the decision begins with an emotional tug-of-war — between the comfort of the familiar and the appeal of a lighter, freer lifestyle. Homes hold memories: children’s growth charts on door frames, gardens planted with care, walls that echo with years of laughter. You remember where the Christmas tree went every year, the deck on which prom pictures were taken, the dining room walls that framed a hundred holidays. Letting go of those spaces can stir deep emotions and even grief. But at the same time, the move often promises relief — less maintenance, fewer expenses, and a home better suited to current and future needs.

Medical realities can also play a defining role. Mobility, accessibility, and proximity to healthcare become essential considerations. Choosing a home that supports aging in place or provides access to the right level of care can mean the difference between independence and frustration. These health-related decisions are deeply personal — and often urgent.

Unlike the other moves of your life, this one might not be solely prompted by YOUR desires. Very often this decision is being suggested to you by those around you: your children, your doctors, your friends who have already made the downsize transition.

Then come the residential and legal complexities. Selling a long-held property, navigating the housing market, understanding contracts, and managing inheritance or co-ownership issues can be daunting. Many discover that what began as a simple move quickly expands into a maze of paperwork, deadlines, and legal fine print.

And, of course, there’s the financial dimension. Downsizing can unlock equity and reduce expenses, but it also demands careful planning to ensure long-term stability. Tax implications, investment decisions, and budgeting for a new lifestyle must all be approached with foresight and expertise.

Here’s what I can promise you: life isn’t over.

Many of us cling to the family home because we believe that’s where all our good memories live. We think walking out that door means closing the book on life — that what lies ahead is smaller, quieter, maybe even a little sad.

But that’s not true.

Letting go of the house — and yes, the very real burdens that come with it — might be the thing that frees you. It could open the door to a new, lighter, more inspiring chapter of life. As someone who has guided hundreds of clients through this transition, I’m reminded every time just how challenging it can be. Every situation is different, every story unique — yet there’s a shared understanding among us all: none of us want our hesitation today to become a burden for our children tomorrow.

But here’s what I’ve also learned — there is life after letting go. There is joy, friendship, purpose, and countless new memories still waiting to be made.

This blog is written by Kathy Chiero. Kathy is the Team Lead for The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus Realtors. Thinking of Buying or Selling? Find us www.OurOhioHome.com

Passing the Holiday Baton

 

Keep the tradition by planning for the passing of the holiday baton.

For many of us over 55, the holidays have long been our show — the decorations, the recipes, the table set “just right.” For decades, our homes were the center of family celebration. But as the years pass, we begin to feel the tug of change. The kids have their own homes, their own families, and their own ideas of what celebration looks like. The time comes — sometimes gently, sometimes suddenly — to begin passing the baton.

But that passing of the baton is not as automatic as it used to be. Traditions are built in the home of Dad and Mom and the family home is the “magnet” that draws the next generation for holidays and family get-togethers. Mom is still the central figure.  That hasn’t changed in decades.   What has changed is what happens when Mom (and Dad) are gone or are unable to continue the planning and hosting?  It used to be an “automatic” handover: the eldest child, the eldest daughter, the sibling closest in proximity to family members or with the biggest home took over.

It is one of the saddest trends I’ve seen in recent years as I build a career around serving the Over-55 generation.  Mom or Dad can no longer host the family and no one picks up the baton.  Traditions die, the “tie that binds” lays in tatters.  What can be done to keep this from happening?

Here are a few simple tips.

Start with a conversation, not a declaration.

“Mom, would you like a break from hosting this year?” or
“Dad, what part of the holiday do you most enjoy and want to keep doing?”
This keeps the tone collaborative rather than directive.

Keep the edits to traditions simple and slow.

Adult kids often want to modernize things — new menus, new venues, new rituals. Instead of a total overhaul, choose a few core traditions to keep (Grandma’s stuffing recipe, the Christmas Eve toast) and update around them. It signals continuity, not replacement.

Give your parents a special role.

Instead of hosting, parents can become the “honored guests” or “keepers of the traditions.” Ask them to bring a signature dish, tell the family story at dinner, or lead the prayer. They remain emotionally central, even if they’re no longer managing logistics.

Transition in stages – don’t flip the switch in one year or don’t choose a major holiday.

Try “co-hosting” for a year or two.  New house, same roles.   Or same house but kids bring the food and clean up.   Start on a “minor” holiday: a birthday or 4th of July, not Christmas or Thanksgiving.

Acknowledge the Emotion Behind it.

For many parents, hosting the holidays was a symbol of their role as the family hub. A simple acknowledgment — “You’ve made every holiday magical for us. We just want to give you that same gift now.” — can turn resistance into gratitude.

Mark the Moment

You might even make it symbolic — a toast at dinner or a handwritten note tucked into the holiday card.  I know one family who passed a literal baton between family members to acknowledge the new day.

The holidays have always been about family, love, and togetherness — not who hosts or who carves the turkey. Passing the baton isn’t stepping aside; it’s stepping into a new role as the keeper of memory and the witness of continuity.

And that might be the sweetest gift of all.

House Call is a blog written by Kathy Chiero, Licensed Realtor and Team Leader of The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus.  Find Kathy and her team at www.OurOhioHome.com

Play like a team and keep the peace.  Why a game plan is important when settling Dad and Mom’s affairs.

Play like a team and keep the peace.  Why a game plan is important when settling Dad and Mom’s affairs.

How many siblings? Who is in charge?  Is there a legal directive? If not, is there a plan?  Is anyone fighting the plan? When I am approached by an adult child to sell the home owned by parents these are the questions I ask before I set foot in the home to be sold.  Why?  Because experience has told me that in the vast majority of cases absent  a  clear, legal directive, selling Mom and Dad’s home follows the dynamics of a dysfunctional baseball team.

First, start with the very-likely assumption that the sale is because of death, disability, or medical crisis.  This, in itself, sets up a family  for decision making in a time of anxiety and grief.  Past family dynamics don’t change and very seldom do  pre-existing sibling behavior patterns. These ingrained responses do not go away simply because we need to “pull together.”  Absent of (and often even with) a legal directive families are set up for hurt feelings at best or, at worst, legal wrangling.  Is this what Mom and Dad want?

Here are the oft-seen sibling roles:

Umpire:  Usually the daughter.  She has been the caregiver for years.  She is most familiar with and has carried the burden of caring for Dad and/or Mom. She has the legal or practical charge of carrying out Mom and Dad’s wishes.  She is the ‘final word.’

Coach: This sibling may or may not have a clear understanding of what the Umpire has dealt with, but feels (rightly or wrongly) that they know the best way forward.  This might be the oldest, the perceived smartest,  or most ‘successful’ child by societal standards and thus feels entitled to ‘call the shots.’  Conflict can arise when the Coach challenges the Umpire, or the  Umpire overrides the Coach.

Right Fielder:  This brother or sister has had virtually nothing to do with the parents for years but by virtue of being on the field feels the need or right to voice an opinion.  While having little insight and rare opportunity to ‘play’ in the care giving of Mom and Dad, this voice is hard to ignore because, well, they are on the field.

Yelling Dad in the Stands:  This is the sibling who  hasn’t had any contact with anyone. They may literally miles away or might as well because they don’t come around or involve themselves with the family. However, at this crisis point insists on inserting themselves in the middle because money is involved and some of it might be coming their way.  They haven’t visited in years but show up within hours (uninvited) with a U-Haul to clear the home of the items they want.

Shortstop: The Essential Player. Wants to support the Umpire but afraid to offend the Coach, loves the Right Fielder, and is afraid of the Yelling Dad. Will do whatever the majority decides, even at his/her own detriment, but unwilling to rock the boat.

What happens?  Plenty of not good.  Even the most loving of families can turn into an emotional pressure cooker when grief, money, and stress all enter the playing field.   Family members bring to the field their own past, hopes for and opinions of their parents. Everything the parents might want (or what they deserve) is seen  through this biased life  lens.

Resentment brews because the Umpire has shouldered the majority of life interruption while the others looked on offering little help…until now.   There are differing opinions of “fair.”  The Umpire feels that he/she should have greater voice or compensation.  The Coach feels that his/her voice should have authority based on birth order or brains.  Right Field demands to be heard after years of playing in the background.  Yelling Dad wants his/her “due” because of a life of perceived offenses.  And Shortstop is wiling to lose his/her “due” to keep the peace. Throw in money and there can be a brawl on the field.

How do you keep discord to a minimum?

Encourage your parents to clearly document their wishes early in the process.  Ideally this should be with the help of an attorney, but at very least in writing.  Discuss these wishes in the presence of parents and each other.

Assign clear roles before the crisis:   Who handles the bank accounts? Who makes medical decisions?  Who steers the  legal decisions?  Who plans the details of the funeral and burial? If additional caretaking is needed – how is that role shared and is it compensated?

Assign “stuff” and money before the disability or death occurs. Who gets the grand piano? Who is responsible for clearing the home and is the stuff sold or donated? Should the Umpire get paid extra for the caretaking work?  If Short Stop wants to buy the family home – how is a value determined?  Proceeds split?  Should the Yelling Dad get less because back in 2010 Mom and Dad had to empty a portion of a 401K to bail him/her out when on the brink of bankruptcy?  Not only are these and like situations not unusual, they are predictable.  Deal with them early and while Mom and Dad can put their wishes in writing.

Remember, good intentions are not a plan.  Someone has to be in charge, but all parties can have part in it.  Respect the Umpire.  Remind yourself that the relationship with your siblings is more important than the grand piano and winning doesn’t happen unless you play like a team.

This Blog is written by Kathy Chiero, Lead Agent for The Kathy Chiero Group.  Want a free “tip sheet” on preparing for a smooth settling of Dad and Mom’s estate?  Visit us a OurOhioHome.com  Ready to sell? Contact me for a no-obligation analysis of the value of your home.

The Great White Shark

My husband, Mike, has a retirement job.  He works as a gas station attendant at an area COSTCO.  Mike is 66.  We could afford for him to “retire retire.”  Like stop working.  But he chooses to get up, get dressed, and for 24 hours a week help 2000 COSTCO customers a day safely and efficiently fill their cars with gas.  He walks 15-18,000 steps a day.  Some days he must be up and out of the house at 4:30 in the morning.  Other days he works until 10:00 at night.  This part time gig is both exhausting and exhilarating.   On the one hand, who wants to be up at 4:30 in the morning?  Or stand on concrete in 12-degree temperatures? Or deal with the 1% (that’s 20 a day) of rude and disgruntled people?  On the other hand (the exhilarating part) he loves the “have to be somewhere” of each day, he has great coworkers and health benefits, and many of the 99% of great customers have become friends. In the five years he has worked there the ‘regulars’ go out of their way to stop by the gas station to share stories of vacations and grandkids, car parts, and phone updates, their good health and loss thereof.  All topics that are the “day-to-day” that makes us human and engaged.

He’s also observed the changes in many who have aged over the years. For example, George, who at an early 58 announces his retirement and great plans for exploring tackle boxes and fishing holes.  Three years later, George is bored, his health has declined, and those fishing trips were not as frequent as planned. Senior citizens who used to bounce out of the car to pump their own gas are now asking for help at the pump.  The retiree who intended to stay active but settled into the comfort of a La-Z-Boy.  The common theme:  we just stop moving.

Which brings me to the great white shark.

The great white shark is one of nature’s most fascinating creatures. Sleek, powerful, and always in motion, this predator of the deep has a secret to survival: it can’t breathe if it stops moving. Water must constantly flow over its gills to deliver oxygen; stillness, quite literally, means suffocation. For the great white, movement is life.

In many ways, we humans—especially as we grow older—aren’t so different. While we don’t need motion to breathe, our physical, mental, and emotional well-being depend on the same principle: keep moving. When we stop engaging, stretching, learning, or socializing, parts of us begin to shut down. Muscles weaken, balance fades, memory dulls, and enthusiasm wanes. The “flow” of life slows.

Movement doesn’t have to mean marathons or mountain climbs. It can be a morning walk around the block, gardening, dancing, volunteering, or even tackling a new hobby. The important thing is motion—both physical and mental. Every step, stretch, or new experience keeps your body oxygenated and your mind sharp, just as water passing over the shark’s gills keeps it alive.

For older adults, “movement” also means staying engaged with people and purpose. Attend the grandkids’ games, join a book club, take a class, or travel somewhere new. When you stay connected and curious, you keep energy and joy circulating through your life.

Yes, there are times when it’s tempting to slow down or “coast.” But remember the great white shark—majestic not because it never rests, but because it knows it must keep swimming forward to thrive. The same truth applies to us: movement is vitality. Motion is life. Keep swimming, keep moving, and you’ll keep living fully.  And COSTCO is always hiring.

House Call is a blog written by Kathy Chiero, Licensed Realtor and Team Leader of The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus.  Find Kathy and her team at www.OurOhioHome.com

Bill Medley still has that lovin’ feeling (And we love him for it!)

I got Row 5 seats to see Bill Medley at the Palace Theatre in downtown Columbus.  Medley and his longtime singing partner, Bobby Hatfield, were the Grammy Award nominated duo “The Righteous Brothers.” Inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2003, their album sales reached 5.4 million copies in an age when selling 1 million albums was considered exceptional commercial success.

 

Bill is 85. He lost Bobby Hatfield in 2003, a loss that is still palpable on stage.  Hatfield today shares the stage with Bucky Heard (59).  Heard unabashedly exhibits an “I can’t believe I get to do this” air as he duets with the man, he admits was his teenage idol.  I get it. Medley is the iconic baritone you remember from classic hits like “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” and “You’re My Soul and Inspiration.”

 

“You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” was named the most-played song on American radio in the 20th century. (21 million times and counting.)  The Library of Congress National Recording Registry selected the song to include in perpetuity as a recording that is “culturally, historically, and aesthetically significant.”

 

So, can Bill Medley still sing?  Barely. Age and a bout with throat cancer, thinning and stiffening vocal cords have resulted in a weaker, even hoarse sound.  Raspy?  Yes. Worth the price of admission? Absolutely.  I was watching history.  Like Elton John, Mick Jagger, Diana Ross, Rod Stewart, Dolly Parton, Cher, and Bruce Springsteen – these legendary voices are a part of our uniquely Boomer story and likely a decade away from being silenced.

 

While on stage Medley was, at times, unsteady on his feet, had to frequently sit down, and stopped mid-sentence claiming a “senior moment” when he couldn’t remember what came next.  But, forget his voice and his place in music history (or a sentence,) what impressed me most about Bill Medley is that he is still doing it.  He’s worth $60 Million.  He doesn’t need to sing for his supper or the dozens of classic cars for which he is said to have a passion.

 

Why does he sing?  In past interviews he has said his music is “medicine” and the audience makes him feel “25 again.” Medley has said the stage is where he feels “most alive” and a concert gives him a reason to get up every morning.  Good enough. And good for Bill.   Literally.

 

In my decades serving older homeowners in the sale of their homes – and becoming an older homeowner myself – I increasingly question the wisdom in retirement. There is evidence that retiring reduces work-related stress, allows time for more ‘fun’ activities and better sleep.  However, my observation is that without purposeful planning there can be numerous life-shortening consequences.

 

Loss of social interaction, purpose, physical activity, and decline in cognitive function are also the result of ‘retiring’ when defined as the practice of pulling away from a regular schedule of meaningful investment in the world around us.   Sitting. Isolating.  No plan B.

In his book “Independence Day: What I Learned About Retirement from Some Who’ve Done it and Some Who Never Will” Steve Lopez notes the need to find meaning beyond our days of employment.  He writes “we all need to have the sense that we matter.  There is a human instinct to be and stay relevant.”  He calls retirement “a profound personal transition” that requires thoughtful consideration of one’s identity, purpose, and adaptability.  Lopez, himself, couldn’t fully quit his 4-time Pulitzer Prize nominated role as a Los Angeles Times Columnist.  His personal retirement is a “hybrid” approach of work and play.  (Side note to my Central Ohio readers: Lopez’ daughter attends Dennison University making Central Ohio a frequent location for his ‘play.’)  “I’ve stepped away” he says, “I just can’t let go.”  Fair enough.

 

Me?  I cheer Bill Medley.  Steve Lopez. And the thousands of brilliant age 70+ artists and educators, writers and contributors who still have the courage to stand on the stage of our lives and contribute richly to our culture.  Even if they occasionally forget the words.  I hope I have the courage and health to follow in their footsteps.

House Call is a blog written by Kathy Chiero, Licensed Realtor and Team Leader of The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus.  Find Kathy and her team at www.OurOhioHome.com

Do I WANT that or do I NEED that?

Last month, at the request of an adult daughter,  I met with a woman I will call Sarah. “I’m done” the daughter said.  “My Mom needs to move into assisted living.  She can’t take care of her home anymore. Every time I stop by I pick up Amazon packages off the front porch.  She keeps bringing more stuff in this house that has too much stuff.”

What this mother may not realize is that her choices have burdensome consequences for the children she loves.   Stuff is just stuff.  Most of it is not a “need.”  In our youth we had the luxury of bringing a lot of “wants” into our home: impulse buys and on-sale clothing, magazine subscriptions and wreaths (for all seasons), Fall decor and Christmas decor and Easter and Halloween.  Tablecloths for birthdays and spring and Thanksgiving. Get the picture?  Of course, many of you are LIVING the picture.  In our youth we have the realistic expectation that we will use and enjoy our ‘stuff.’ But after middle-age this tendency needs to stop. Why?  Because we are entering years when our lives can and may change very quickly and someone else is going to have to, quite literally, clean up our mess.

What can you do?

Begin to be purposeful about your shopping.  Before buying (even if it’s a bargain!) ask yourself: is this a “want” or a “need?”  If it’s a want, what are you going to remove from your home to enjoy this new thing?

Take something out of your house every time you go out the door.  Make a habit of filling plastic garbage-type bags throughout the day. What needs to go to Goodwill? What might a friend need?  Put the bag in the car and do a drive by your favorite donation site.

Start small: Don’t commit to big projects that are likely to overwhelm you.  Instead of “I’m going to clear the basement this week” start with “I’m going to clear one shelf in the basement this week.”

Is your buying an attempt massage an emotional need? Anger? Boredom? Loneliness?  Be honest with the need and find appropriate and healing ways to cope rather than add to the problem by draining finances and adding “stuff.”

Back to Sarah.  Let me tell you what I see:  I see the aftermath of your inability to make hard decisions.  I see adult children and spouses spending months clearing your stuff. They are  wracked with grief and guilt.  It drains emotions, calendars, and bank accounts and many times does irreparable damage to the relationships left behind. Is your ‘stuff’ worth that?

House Call is a blog written by Kathy Chiero, Licensed Realtor and Team Leader of The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus.  Find Kathy and her team at www.OurOhioHome.com

Homeowner Associations: Demon Or Deliverer?

I recently drove up to a listed property to meet a client who wanted to tour it.  The home was located in a nice suburb with manicured lawns and a price point north of a half million.  The house next door to the listed property had a chain link fence in the front yard. It was out of place and unattractive. My first thought was “Why  hasn’t the Homeowners Association dealt with that? “   My Buyer decided against pursuing the home I was showing him in no small part because of the neighboring home.  Further investigation revealed that there were no deed restrictions in that community.  It was an “anything goes” environment which allowed for a chain link fence in the front yard (or bright purple paint or an 11-foot concrete bird feeder on the front lawn or anything else the owner deemed attractive.)  Score one for homeowners associations. (HOA’s)

Here is another example, personal to the author of this blog.  I lived in a condo association (COA) and worked from home.  One of the by-laws in the condominium declarations prohibited a garage door from being left open.  I lead a team of agents.  I kept the real estate signs for our listings in my garage.  When an agent needed a sign he/she would text me as they were approaching my condo, I would open the garage door to allow them to retrieve the sign.  Then I would close it when they left.  Rarely more than five minutes open.   I received a notice from the President of the Association with a listing of specific dates and times my garage door was open over a period 60 days.  The notice read, for example, Saturday, July 11 opened at 11:05, left open for 4 minutes. This notation over a dozen times over 60 days.  This kind of oversight creeps into the “Mrs. Kravitz” realm. For those of you in my generation you remember the “Bewitched” television series in which nosy neighbor Gladys Kravitz peered from her window to keep tabs on Darrin and Samantha Stephens.  This kind of overbearing interference in the personal details of life is what most people want to avoid when they request a home without a homeowners association (HOA.)

So what is the balance?  Generally HOA/COA’s are good things.  They protect the value of the home by setting uniform aesthetic standards of the home and lawn.  They put legal leverage behind taming loud parties and that neighbor who keeps a broken down car in front of their home. The more active associations promote social events and neighborliness by organizing block parties and holiday gatherings.  When the Association overreaches it is usually the act of a person or persons, not the fault of simply having rules.

Avoiding HOA/COA’s is increasingly difficult.  The rules are automatic if you are buying a condo as your ownership is limited to the inside space of your home.  Most communities built after 2000 have professionally managed HOA’s as they are seen as necessary to maintain the value, aesthetic and peace of neighborhood. To avoid an HOA you are often limited to older homes or rural homes not in a planned community.

As a Buyer the review of the rules of an HOA and COA is essential.  By buying a home in an HOA managed community you are agreeing to the rules (even if you didn’t read them.) The By-Laws are laws.  They have the same enforcement power as speed limits on the interstate.  If the Deed Restrictions say “no sheds” you can be forced to remove your shed even if it’s a pretty one.  You will also be charged a fee for the privilege of the oversight.  This fee is usually monthly for a condo and annually for homes.  This, too, is not voluntary.  If you don’t pay a lien will be put on your property.

A good Realtor® will provide a copy of the Deed Restrictions to review prior to purchasing and many purchase contracts include a contingency to allow you to read and review the rules you are buying into.  Do your due diligence before buying to make sure that fence your dog needs  is allowed in the home you are buying. (Or the dog is allowed in the condo your are buying. )

House Call is a blog written by Kathy Chiero, Licensed Realtor and Team Leader of The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus.  Find Kathy and her team at www.OurOhioHome.com

How are your Social Investments Looking? (2 of 2)

I was 53,  recently divorced and trying to “enter the world” again.  Not the world of dating, just the world.  Fun. Dinner. Kid-less socializing.   A friend had invited  me to a “meet up” at a local restaurant.  This dinner ‘date’ was with 30-40 other single adults who gathered once a month for a social outing.  At this point in my life I was at the top of my game professionally.  My face was on billboards.  My voice was on the radio.  I spoke at seminars.  And yet, I sat in the parking lot of this restaurant battling the mental insecurities of a teenager.  Meet with strangers or go home and watch  reruns of The Office?  Just as I was putting my hand on “reverse” to meet up with Steve Carell, my friend saw me and motioned me in.  God Bless her.

I tell this story to illustrate how hard it is to start or re-start relationships late in life.  When we are 10 there was a playground to interact with 50 peers and we narrowed to our two favorites. Where is that playground at age 60?  Between the ages of 20 and 50 we tend to narrow our focus to those precious people inside the walls of our house.  Maybe a few other parent-friends here and there, but social interaction apart from children is rare. By the time we retire we are like the audience in a magician’s act.  “Where did all the friends go?”  And, yet, the richness of these friendships is what multiple studies tell us will bring us a longer and healthier life.  A Harvard University study found that close friendships and a sense of purpose lead to a reduced risk for Alzheimers, stroke and heart issues.  And, well, friends just make us happier.

A recent Wall Street Journal* article highlighted that the lack of social investment for post work years can be highly detrimental to retirees. Alarmingly, two-thirds of adults over the age of 60 have no close social circle outside of a spouse or family members. (See an earlier blog I wrote on  ‘Social Capital’.)  You go online and pull up your investment records to assure yourself that you are prepared for the non-incoming producing years ahead.  But, are you prepared emotionally?  Just as you will be rewarded with financial stability for your effort investments in youth, have you put the same effort and investment into life outside of work? Studies consistently show that  sufficient financial assets may bring peace of mind,  but money doesn’t equal satisfaction with life.

Using a very old adage: Money can’t buy happiness.

What does bring fulfillment in retirement?   Friendships.  Learning. Pursuit of purpose and  “fun”.  All of those things we set aside while working and raising a family.  Easily said.  Difficult to do unless you apply energy, time, and intent.  Let me be honest, it’s work.  Sitting at home watching re-runs is a whole lot easier than getting dressed and pretty and starting a conversation with strangers. Here are some tips:

Make new friends and keep the old. One is silver and the other’s gold.  Remember this old Girl Scout mantra? It’s great advice.  The earlier you start the better.  Purpose to spend time each week to meet someone new or keep the flame burning on an older friendship. Reach out of your comfort zone to make new friends with shared interests. Local senior centers, online support groups, churches and synagogues can be a place to meet other like-minded men and women.  Reach out and invite someone to meet you for lunch.  Buy two tickets and invite someone.  I used to sit at the “community” table at a local restaurant.  It was a large table sat aside for diners who were alone.  I met some great people at that table.  Take up a hobby, sport, or pursuit that interests you.  Keep in mind that you are not aiming for a “bestie” at every engagement.  Finding the right group of friends takes time and repetition.

I had one retired client, Ruth,  tell me that her goal is to have one appointment a day before noon.  That “appointment” could be a seniors yoga class, volunteering at a food bank, or meeting a friend at Starbucks.  The point?  Ruth has a reason to get up every day, get dressed and be on time. (Like we did at work for decades.)  After decades of this pattern Ruth is the Belle of her own ball, often having to turn down invites because of her crowded social calendar.

The payoff? I recently took inventory of my close friends, groups, and social engagements regularly on my calendar. Virtually none existed ten years ago.  Each are valued and cherished, but more importantly give me a secure knowledge that I have social investments that will likely last longer than the money.

* The Wall Street Journal. (December 29, 2022 “To Invest for Retirement, Build Friendships and Hobbies” by Anne Tergesen.)

House Call is a blog written by Kathy Chiero, Licensed Realtor and Team Leader of The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus.  Find Kathy and her team at www.OurOhioHome.com

How are your Social Investments Looking? (1 of 2)

In a span of three weeks in July of 2013 I got divorced, closed on the sale of our 16-year family home, sent my two  youngest kids to college and put my head on a pillow in a rented condo.  I woke up the next morning feeling like a grenade had gone off in my life.  Admittedly, I had thrown the grenade, but the result was the same.  I had to take a serious re-evaluation of my life and it wasn’t healthy.  At age 53 I had no friends, no hobbies, no “fun” in my life.  (So as not to offend those who knew me, loved me, helped me through this period, I do not mean to discount your friendship, you know who you are and you are cherished.)  But, in reality, my days were filled with two things: kids and work.  The further the kids migrated from the nest, the more I worked.   If my quality of life were put in balance the “work/financial” side would hit the table and the “relationships/joy” side would be hanging perilously in the air.

On that morning in 2013 I remember asking myself “If I were me, what would I enjoy doing?  If I were me, how would I make friends?”  Then I purposefully set out to answer those questions.  With the shamelessness of an Amway salesperson I approached casual acquaintances and invited them to lunch. I bought tickets to the Broadway Series and invited others to go with me.  I went to the Waterfire on the Scioto display by myself.  I went to art shows and Christmas craft fairs.   I joined a hiking group of much younger men and women. On one trail I met Patti, my age, who is still one of my best friends.  I joined a restaurant tasting group and a Book Club.   When dining alone I found the “community table” and talked with strangers. Slowly I built a rich life outside of selling houses.

I thought of this personal history while reading an article in The Wall Street Journal. (December 29, 2022 “To Invest for Retirement, Build Friendships and Hobbies” by Anne Tergesen). It details the lengths  to which men and women  go to prepare themselves financially for leaving the workplace while putting virtually no thought into the equally important challenge of cultivating relationships and interests that fill the “nowhere-to-be” hole.  It quoted Harvard University studies that consistently find quality relationships outweigh blood pressure as a predictor of life longevity and happiness.

Borrowing a quote from that article, Yale University Psychology Professor Dr. Laurie Santos put statistics behind what I found to be anecdotally true:  “We think friendships just happen and if the friendship is genuine we won’t have to put the work in.” But, she says, research suggests the opposite.  On average it takes 200 hours over four months to build close friendships and 60 hours to establish even a casual friendship.

Just as the old money adage suggests that investing earlier is better – the same is true for relationships and avocational pursuits.  It is normal to be “in-focused” when life is filled with small children, school, shuttling to extracurricular activities and all of the time-sucking pursuits of raising a family.   The mistake most retirees make is waiting too long to become “out-focused”.  At age 53 it took me 2-3 years before life was “full” and the scales were somewhat balanced. That goal was reached with good health, financial stability, and great effort.  To do the same at age 73 is, for most, not possible.  These purposeful “investments” in your long-term well being should start much earlier.  Evidence suggests that even the mid 40’s is an optimum time to begin making those ‘deposits.’

How can you start retirement “investing” in your emotional well-being?  That’s next week’s blog.

House Call is a blog written by Kathy Chiero, Licensed Realtor and Team Leader of The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus.  Find Kathy and her team at www.OurOhioHome.com

There is always tomorrow…

There is always tomorrow.  Until there is not.  I thought of that after my conversation with Christine.  She called me because her husband, Patrick, died unexpectedly last summer. She was getting ready to sell their home and move to the mid-Atlantic coast, something they had always talked about.

 

The move to North Carolina was just one of many things she and Patrick planned to do.  They planned a trip to Ireland.  They planned to go watch Patrick’s beloved Yankees play at Yankee Stadium.   They always wanted to take a cruise to Alaska and had never seen the Grand Canyon.  They were in their early 60’s, just at the age they thought they had to be to “have the time.”  Old enough to have lived a book, young enough to create their own last chapter. “We always thought we didn’t have time in the present.  And we always thought we would have time tomorrow” she said.

 

Christine called me because she knew I helped people get rid of stuff. She and Patrick have a home filled with very nice furniture.  She didn’t want to just give it away, she said.  “It’s not your standard furniture,” she said.  “I have a sofa that cost $12,000 and it’s hardly been used.”  In fact, she said, “I can’t remember a time we sat on it together.” I explained to Christine that, in spite of what she paid for it and its exceptional condition, she would be fortunate to get 10% of its original price on the resale market.

 

It’s a conversation I’ve had dozens of times with my downsizing clients.  As they prepare to get rid of stuff, I prepare them.   I make sure the understand that there is very little value in anything they have believed to have value: their collectibles, their furniture, and their antiques. With the exception of fine art and jewelry, gold, silver, guns and cars, there is very little value in anything we have inside the walls of our homes.  And, it’s very difficult to get rid of most of it. (See my earlier blog about re-homing pianos.)  The truth is, if you sell everything “sale-able,” give away what is wanted, and dispose of what is left, you might break even.  (Did you know that the cost to have a 2400 SF home professionally cleared of “stuff” averages $14,000?)

 

Several days after my conversation with Christine, she called me back.  Christine also knows that I regularly speak to large groups of men and women facing retirement and downsizing.  She made me promise I would tell you something. After she got off the phone, she looked at the $12,000 couch.  She thought about her words to me: “I can’t remember a time we sat on that couch together.”   “Please tell this group to invest in memories, “she said. “Patrick and I could have flown first class to Ireland for the price of that couch.”

 

Let me bring her wise counsel down to earth: maybe you don’t have a $12,000 couch.  But most of us continue to spend money on things we don’t need when we are just a few years from the day when it will all need to go out.  We are a culture that has multiple holidays in which we bring new stuff into our homes with no thought or plan to get rid of it.   Take the $50 you were going to spend on (yet another) fill-in-the-blank and ask yourself “How can I create a memory instead?”

 

Be purposeful with the days left.  We don’t even know if “days” is plural.

 

House Call is a blog written by Kathy Chiero, Licensed Realtor and Team Leader of The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus.  Find Kathy and her team at www.OurOhioHome.com