Would You be “Infectious” in Las Vegas?

I thought of this recently. The DownSize Columbus team had a booth at Columbus’ Senior Living Festival at the Hollywood Casino. This annual event in it’s 7th year is a celebration of all things old but great! Members of the Senior Services Roundtable of Columbus and Franklin County conceived the idea of a festive event targeting older adults and have created a fun (and popular! the 2016 event hosted over 3000 attendees!) seniors-only destination for a day. The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus and DownSize Columbus had the pleasure of meeting 100’s of over-55 adults from all walks of life.

It gave me an opportunity to see how our neighbors are coping with aging: some gracefully, some reluctantly, and some with an enviable joy de vivre. What makes the difference? Is it money? Health? A stress-free environment? While all of these certainly favorably contribute to the enjoyment of our later years, a great body of research suggests that the happiest older Americans are those that value experiences over possessions. Jim Bettman, a professor of business at Duke University says that the senior citizens who claim the most enjoyment in their lives are those that share experiences with others. “They live outwardly” says Bettman, purposefully cultivating relationships with their family, friends and loved ones.

At the Senior Living Event I met three sisters: Dorothy Gandy from Salisbury, N.C., Charlene Torer from Highland Heights, Ohio, Nancy Evans from Columbus and Nancy’s best friend and neighbor, their “adopted” sister, Rosemary Sokolowski. (The sisters were at the Senior event to support Nancy who, well past retirement age, started personal safety and security business with her husband, Mike. New Age Crimestoppers was a vendor.) The annual sister-trips began in 1997 as a way to stay connected after the death of their mother. Through many life-challenges they have remained committed to this time together. There were times the “trips” were to each other’s homes when spouses needed care, and there were a few years where illness kept the trip on hold, but “Oh how we missed that time together!” said Nancy.

2017 called for Las Vegas! Nancy’s daughter gave them a ‘bon voyage gift’ of matching t-shirts: these three senior-sisters + bestie wore rhinestone t-shirts which proudly said “Sisters Loose in Las Vegas.” They were a hit on the Vegas strip. Tourists stopped for selfies, they were cheered in restaurants and at the conclusion of their visit the CEO of the MGM Grand Hotel insisted on giving them a ride to the airport in a sleek silver limousine. Why? “Because we were old!” said Charlene. I beg to differ. I think it was because they defied the stereotype of old. They were vivacious, loved life and each other like school girls, and still ventured out to Las Vegas (with rhinestone t-shirts) when their combined ages equal the weight of a good-sized NFL linebacker. In short, they are FUN! Nancy called their joy “infectious” and I agree!

Anecdotal evidence shows that community often cures depression in the elderly. As we age, the tendency is to isolate ourselves, especially following the death of a spouse. Or, we lean heavily on our adult children to provide our social ‘fix’. While they may love you, their lives are in a different and busy stage and they cannot meet your need for interaction and activity. Are you struggling today? Are you lonely? Do you feel those that “should” meet your needs are not? I encourage you to find ‘your’ community and make yourself “infectious” in the best possible way! You don’t have to don a rhinestone t-shirt and stroll the Strip, but can find the local senior community center; exercise class, or somewhere to volunteer. Find your connection near you. Find a best friend. Or be one.

Immaculate Cape Cod on Pauline Street

To everyone else it was just the immaculate cape cod on Pauline Street. To the neighbors it was George and Doreen’s home for over 40 years. By today’s standards, the tidy 1200 square foot bungalow with one bathroom hardly seems big enough for the three boys raised there. But raised they were, Kevin, Daniel and Rick: sharing bedrooms and taking over the basement until one by one they moved on to begin their own homes and families. Even after George died Doreen made sure it was taken care of in the manner of which he would approve. But the day had inevitably come when even her best efforts were not enough. It was time to let the house go.

Doreen called me to sell Pauline Street. When I arrived with my listing papers in hand, Doreen had her own set of paperwork – all of the maintenance records, warranties and receipts of home improvement and maintenance. Four decades of care in a plain yellow folder. Her sons, long moved out of state, were eager for her put the house behind her and come closer to the grandkids. Doreen wasn’t so sure. After all – 1461 Pauline Street wasn’t just a house. It was a box. A Memory Box of sorts. Every room held a story; every inch of that home told of family and love; celebration and loss; growth and change. Where a visitor saw an empty corner, Doreen saw where the Christmas tree stood. Where a bedroom sat empty of furniture – Doreen’s eyes saw two twin beds and Kevin’s guitar which always sat along that wall. And where a guest saw a tiny kitchen, Doreen remembered how many people crowded in for Daniel’s fifth birthday. Leaving wasn’t easy. Too much life had been lived in those rooms.

I sold the home on Pauline Street. My last phone call from Doreen came about three hours before closing. “This might seem strange,” she said. “But the boys are here to take me with them and we want to say good bye to the house. Can we go through it one more time?” Of course, I said. It wasn’t a strange request at all. As a professional Realtor I long ago grew accustomed to (and shared myself) the unique attachment we have to our homes. I met Doreen at the home. She was accompanied by Rick, Kevin and Daniel – now grown men, coming back to the home that represented their childhood. I silently watched and followed as they walked around the yard and moved through the now vacant rooms. They laughed. They told stories. Every story began with “do you remember…” and ended with a friendly disagreement on the details of the long ago tale that had its genesis in this humble cape cod. And they cried. Unashamedly three grown men cried as they locked the door on their past one last time.

I cried too. Because I know that the door we shut for the last time was more than a repetition of a gesture done 1000’s of times over the life of this home. It was shutting the door on a life, a time in history, and a family that would never exist again at 1461 Pauline Street. Certainly there is life to be lived in the next chapter; good memories to be made; laughter to be had and holidays to be shared. But the transition to the last chapter is rarely easy and even when it holds great promise, it is hard to imagine that it will bring the same joy as a chapter well written.

Occasionally, I still drive by the house on Pauline Street. New memories are being made there by a young family. Sometimes I wonder if they know how special their home is? If they ever want the details, I know three adult men who have stories to tell.

Have You Ever Attended One of My DownSize Columbus Seminars?

Have you ever attended one of my DownSize Columbus seminars? You know that we spend a good part of our time encouraging our guests to ‘get rid of stuff.’

Two weeks ago I had the opportunity to practice what I preach. I’m sitting with my father in his Texas home office pulling the lid off of a heavy box of old sermon notes. (After blowing dust off the top. Apparently the existence of the notes was a surprise to both us.) A retired Baptist minister, these notes date to the early years of electric typewriters and I move to put the notes into the “toss” pile. For what purpose could my father have use of these yellowed papers?

My parents are in the mid-80’s, they have lived in the same home for over 40 years. The family homestead sits on a Texas acre. It’s a sprawling 2400 square foot ranch. Their age and declining health reminds me that the process should have been started ten years ago. I am grateful they are still mentally alert and very engaged in this process of moving them to an 1100 SF apartment in a retirement village.

I am the Realtor in the family so it is natural that I would fly in to hire the Texas agent and pitch in to help my parents get rid of ‘stuff’. A lot of stuff. After five years of talking to thousands of Central Ohio homeowners who are downsizing, one would think that the process with my own parents would be down to a science. I failed Science. In 1973. And two weeks ago.

We developed a plan: all the “keep” items go from the guest bedrooms/offices to the staging bedroom – the Owner’s Suite. It didn’t take long before I realized everything was a “keep” and the bedroom was filling up quick. I joined my father in his home office to try to help.

Which brings me back to that old box of sermon notes. My father elected to keep the notes. He might use them in the future. At this moment I realize that no matter the age “old” is always next year. We never believe that tomorrow won’t come. The older we get, the harder it is to come to grips with the things we will never do again.

This is where our “things” have more significant value than what we paid for them.

The objects you struggle to get rid of are likely tied to your self-worth, according to a 2011 study published in the Journal of Consumer Psychology. Rather than viewing those objects as “mine,” you may think of them as “me.” The study found that people struggle the most to part with possessions that lack monetary or functional value but are directly related to purpose and self-worth. Throwing away sermon notes is not dispersing of paper – it is dispersing of an identity and grasping the reality that preaching will not be a defining part of years that are left.

Whatever objects you cling to the most, are likely the ones that fuel your self-worth.

One of the reasons this is hard for your kids to understand is that we DON’T see you as your things. We see you as Dad. Mom. We don’t care if you don’t preach, or sing, or quilt, or sell, or earn, or provide. We love you. We want the relationship. When the ‘stuff’ is gone – to us – you are still you. Healthier, happier, and hopefully safer and with less stress.

So. Start early on that ‘stuff.’ Earlier than you think. Need some free resources for getting rid of stuff? Email me for tips on how to sort it, where to give it, and how to live without it.

Gary Tjader Came on My Radar When I Broke a Toilet Tank Lid

Gary Tjader came on my radar when I broke a toilet tank lid. Yes. That pesky piece which one doesn’t appreciate until it slips from your hand, breaks and you are forced to look at replacing. I went to Google. And I found Gary. Gary’s website www.toilettanklids.com is an entire website devoted to, yes, you guessed it: toilet tank lids! What fascinated me about his website was not only the volume, style, and array of lids Tjader carries from his Los Altos, California shop but his ENTHUSIASM for toilet tank lids. I mean, this man is EXCITED about his product! Gary’s early career as a salesman for a plumbing parts supplier caused him to stumble across a need: Tjader narrowed his expertise to toilet tank lids and the hunt was on! Even a heap of trash bearing a couple of tank lids became a gold mine during one Lake Tahoe ski vacation, says Tjader, who collects 20 to 40 lids per month. He knows the history of lids, has identified the rare (and rare-er!) ones, and provides more education about lids than you ever thought you wanted to know. What are they made of? (Vitreous China) How much do they weigh? (An average of 10 lbs.) What colors do they come in? (Dozens. More than you ever imagined.) Gary is so deep in toilet tank knowledge that he even has a toilet trivia page to enjoy well, while you’re on the toilet. (Myth debunked: Sir Thomas Crapper did NOT invent the toilet.) Tjader says he does make a living at selling lids but he also loves the “touchdown” feeling of finding that elusive lid.

Why is this important? Because most of us live a lifetime doing SOMETHING but rarely get to devote time to doing THE THING that spurs our passion. There is an emptiness which follows when that predictable something winds down. It is often replaced with a subtle fear that the best of your life is behind you; that your very significance was attached to that thing and is lost in the retiring. Take a moment to remember that passion that may have lain dormant for years. It may even be difficult to remember what it was. Maybe now is the time. Rethink Retirement. Perhaps retirement can mean the retiring of the ‘have-to’s’ and the commencing of the want to’s. The time not spent with your hand to the grindstone could be spent with your hand to the paint brush or the classroom or the telescope. What is your passion? What breadth of knowledge have you collected over a lifetime? What is the subject that gets you excited enough that you could devote a web page of multiple links or moderate a discussion group? Rather than mourn the loss of child-centered life or job-centered routine, celebrate the gift of time. Time to pursue and research; time do meet and do; time to go and explore. Then share. Share your knowledge, share your discoveries, share your talent. Gary Tjader is arguably the most knowledgeable man on the planet in toilet tank lids – which leads to his offering this piece of advice for retirees looking for that “next thing”: build on your base of knowledge for the greatest chance at success. Gary’s success comes from decades in the field, but his passion is fueled by a genuine interest in the product.

In the words of Billy Joel: “You can be what you want. Or you can just be old.” None of us want to ‘just be old’ – we want to maintain the vitality and spark that come with maturity, experience, and excitement in our unique brand of knowledge, skill, and abilities. And, as Gary showed me, it is not the item of specific interest that matters; it is the enthusiasm for SOMETHING that draws others to you.

What is DownSizing?

What is Your Story?

There is a Russian proverb that says “when a man dies, a library burns down.”

My pre-real estate career was that of a news reporter. I worked for a nationwide cable news network and traveled our nation on assignment. In 1990 I was asked to cover the reopening of Ellis Island. After the immigration station closed in November 1954, the buildings fell into disrepair and were abandoned. Peeling paint was the décor and rats were the residents until the site was named a National Landmark in 1966 and monies were dedicated to its restoration. (It’s marvelous restoration if you never visited…)

My job was to find someone who had “come over on the boat.” That iconic person who remembers the vision of the Statue of Liberty after weeks on open seas. Old enough to have been there, but young enough to articulate the memories of Ellis Island processing. This was pre-internet and the only way to find that person was to sit in a dusty closet in a Manhattan Immigration field office. I was pointed to boxes full of paper files; some semblance of organization but a far cry from the web-based data systems that spoil us today.

I don’t remember her name. I will call her Olga. But I remember she lived on the 63rd floor of a New York highrise, her home for over 50 years. She was from Poland and was 14 when she came to America. For two hours Olga told her story: A narrow escape from the Nazi Wehrmacht, the tide of fear which followed Germany’s politico-military power. She cried when she saw the Statue of Liberty; she feared the health tests on Ellis Island would send her back.

Her story forever captured on videotape, we said goodbye and I rode 63 floors down to the busy streets of Manhattan. As I was walking away from her building I looked up. I wondered which window was Olga’s? One window in a sea of windows. One building in a sea of buildings. One city in a nation of immigrants. All the people passing by… did they know what a treasure lived midway up this highrise? How many more stories are behind those windows? How many Olga’s waiting to be asked?

What is your story? What a tragedy to allow your story to burn without sharing it! One of the benefits of age is the wisdom of experience and the rich treasure of life stories. What treasures of experience do you have to share? Have you ever taken the time to ask a stranger? How much richer would we be if we stopped to ask and to listen to the person behind the window on the 63rd floor?

Senior Guide August 2016

I was packing up after another DownsizeColumbus event. The Kathy Chiero Group has presented over a dozen of these seminars, hosting over 2000 Central Ohio downsizers. Charlotte, a woman in her mid-70’s walked up to me and said “I just want to thank you for showing me that I’m not alone and I’m not crazy.” She went on to tell me that the decision to downsize was overwhelming to her. More accurately, when she began facing the multitude of decisions that go into this transition we call ‘downsizing’ – she was overwhelmed.

No Charlotte, you’re not alone and you’re not crazy. Over 9000 Americans a day are turning 55 and many of them are, or will, face the same decisions you are. However, there are cultural , sociological, medical, and financial reasons this transition is more complex than in preceding generations. Whether you enter this “Act 3” with an ensemble cast or standing on stage alone – entering these years on your terms involves careful planning and execution. When I began presenting the DownsizeColumbus seminar in 2013 I naively believed it was all about selling the house. Over the years I have listened to my attendees and gone through a downsize myself. I have learned that while selling a residence is a piece of the downsize puzzle it is a relatively small piece and one of the last pieces to complete the transition picture. In the middle is a myriad of decisions which makes one feel like you’re in a real life corn maze: dead ends and blind turns, back tracking and second–guessing. All the while facing an unstoppable move of time in which you hope your decisions lead you out of the maze wisely, successfully, and happily.

What has changed?

The downsize decision is often not yours:
Many of you are considering selling your home and moving to a smaller space because you are being told you need to. Your children, your doctors, your spouse are insisting that you make a move that you may not feel you need to, may not want, and are not ready to make.

Our kids do not live near us:
Increased mobility, jobs, spouses from different states (or countries) means that our children are no longer down the street. While they love us and want the best for us they are not physically there or able to do for us. Much of the (sometimes literal) heavy lifting of the downsize decision and move is left in the head and hands of the downsizer and spouse. If the spouse is deceased or divorce has left you single these decisions can be intimidating, frightening and overwhelming. The response can be that you are immobilized by the fear of making a mistake. This, in itself, can be the biggest mistake you make.

Our kids do not want our stuff:
When I began DownsizeColumbus I quickly learned that “getting rid of stuff” was Job #1 – and the most difficult faced by seniors. We moved through life saving things with the assumption that the children and grandchildren would want the family furniture; grandma’s china, and Aunt Tilly’s 1920-era armoire. If you haven’t discovered already: they don’t. If it wasn’t purchased at Front Room, Ikea, or The Pottery Barn it doesn’t fit in their home or lifestyle. This means much of it has to go. Where? There are resources to sell, give away for tax deduction, or throw away these items but the first step is yours: a commitment to tackle one room at a time and empty your life, home, and psyche of “stuff”.

When should you start thinking about downsizing? Earlier than you think. In my experience it takes two to three years to get to the point of sale of residence and transition when the task is tackled with purpose, a plan, help and deadlines. It doesn’t just happen. As a Realtor I have had to witness adult children suspend grief over the loss of a parent because they were mired for months, even years, in settling a parents affairs, selling a home, and divesting the family of Mom and Dad’s “stuff”. No one wants that for their children.

Where can you start? Come to DownsizeColumbus on Sunday, September 11, 2016 at the Hilton at Easton. It is a free event where you will meet 25+ transition partners and hear experts in the five major areas of Transition: Medical, Emotional, Legal, Financial, and Residential. The event is free, but you must register at www.DownsizeColumbus.com You’ll leave armed with information and the assurance that no, you’re not alone and you’re not crazy.