Last month, at the request of an adult daughter,  I met with a woman I will call Sarah. “I’m done” the daughter said.  “My Mom needs to move into assisted living.  She can’t take care of her home anymore. Every time I stop by I pick up Amazon packages off the front porch.  She keeps bringing more stuff in this house that has too much stuff.”

What this mother may not realize is that her choices have burdensome consequences for the children she loves.   Stuff is just stuff.  Most of it is not a “need.”  In our youth we had the luxury of bringing a lot of “wants” into our home: impulse buys and on-sale clothing, magazine subscriptions and wreaths (for all seasons), Fall decor and Christmas decor and Easter and Halloween.  Tablecloths for birthdays and spring and Thanksgiving. Get the picture?  Of course, many of you are LIVING the picture.  In our youth we have the realistic expectation that we will use and enjoy our ‘stuff.’ But after middle-age this tendency needs to stop. Why?  Because we are entering years when our lives can and may change very quickly and someone else is going to have to, quite literally, clean up our mess.

What can you do?

Begin to be purposeful about your shopping.  Before buying (even if it’s a bargain!) ask yourself: is this a “want” or a “need?”  If it’s a want, what are you going to remove from your home to enjoy this new thing?

Take something out of your house every time you go out the door.  Make a habit of filling plastic garbage-type bags throughout the day. What needs to go to Goodwill? What might a friend need?  Put the bag in the car and do a drive by your favorite donation site.

Start small: Don’t commit to big projects that are likely to overwhelm you.  Instead of “I’m going to clear the basement this week” start with “I’m going to clear one shelf in the basement this week.”

Is your buying an attempt massage an emotional need? Anger? Boredom? Loneliness?  Be honest with the need and find appropriate and healing ways to cope rather than add to the problem by draining finances and adding “stuff.”

Back to Sarah.  Let me tell you what I see:  I see the aftermath of your inability to make hard decisions.  I see adult children and spouses spending months clearing your stuff. They are  wracked with grief and guilt.  It drains emotions, calendars, and bank accounts and many times does irreparable damage to the relationships left behind. Is your ‘stuff’ worth that?

House Call is a blog written by Kathy Chiero, Licensed Realtor and Team Leader of The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus.  Find Kathy and her team at www.OurOhioHome.com

I was 53,  recently divorced and trying to “enter the world” again.  Not the world of dating, just the world.  Fun. Dinner. Kid-less socializing.   A friend had invited  me to a “meet up” at a local restaurant.  This dinner ‘date’ was with 30-40 other single adults who gathered once a month for a social outing.  At this point in my life I was at the top of my game professionally.  My face was on billboards.  My voice was on the radio.  I spoke at seminars.  And yet, I sat in the parking lot of this restaurant battling the mental insecurities of a teenager.  Meet with strangers or go home and watch  reruns of The Office?  Just as I was putting my hand on “reverse” to meet up with Steve Carell, my friend saw me and motioned me in.  God Bless her.

I tell this story to illustrate how hard it is to start or re-start relationships late in life.  When we are 10 there was a playground to interact with 50 peers and we narrowed to our two favorites. Where is that playground at age 60?  Between the ages of 20 and 50 we tend to narrow our focus to those precious people inside the walls of our house.  Maybe a few other parent-friends here and there, but social interaction apart from children is rare. By the time we retire we are like the audience in a magician’s act.  “Where did all the friends go?”  And, yet, the richness of these friendships is what multiple studies tell us will bring us a longer and healthier life.  A Harvard University study found that close friendships and a sense of purpose lead to a reduced risk for Alzheimers, stroke and heart issues.  And, well, friends just make us happier.

A recent Wall Street Journal* article highlighted that the lack of social investment for post work years can be highly detrimental to retirees. Alarmingly, two-thirds of adults over the age of 60 have no close social circle outside of a spouse or family members. (See an earlier blog I wrote on  ‘Social Capital’.)  You go online and pull up your investment records to assure yourself that you are prepared for the non-incoming producing years ahead.  But, are you prepared emotionally?  Just as you will be rewarded with financial stability for your effort investments in youth, have you put the same effort and investment into life outside of work? Studies consistently show that  sufficient financial assets may bring peace of mind,  but money doesn’t equal satisfaction with life.

Using a very old adage: Money can’t buy happiness.

What does bring fulfillment in retirement?   Friendships.  Learning. Pursuit of purpose and  “fun”.  All of those things we set aside while working and raising a family.  Easily said.  Difficult to do unless you apply energy, time, and intent.  Let me be honest, it’s work.  Sitting at home watching re-runs is a whole lot easier than getting dressed and pretty and starting a conversation with strangers. Here are some tips:

Make new friends and keep the old. One is silver and the other’s gold.  Remember this old Girl Scout mantra? It’s great advice.  The earlier you start the better.  Purpose to spend time each week to meet someone new or keep the flame burning on an older friendship. Reach out of your comfort zone to make new friends with shared interests. Local senior centers, online support groups, churches and synagogues can be a place to meet other like-minded men and women.  Reach out and invite someone to meet you for lunch.  Buy two tickets and invite someone.  I used to sit at the “community” table at a local restaurant.  It was a large table sat aside for diners who were alone.  I met some great people at that table.  Take up a hobby, sport, or pursuit that interests you.  Keep in mind that you are not aiming for a “bestie” at every engagement.  Finding the right group of friends takes time and repetition.

I had one retired client, Ruth,  tell me that her goal is to have one appointment a day before noon.  That “appointment” could be a seniors yoga class, volunteering at a food bank, or meeting a friend at Starbucks.  The point?  Ruth has a reason to get up every day, get dressed and be on time. (Like we did at work for decades.)  After decades of this pattern Ruth is the Belle of her own ball, often having to turn down invites because of her crowded social calendar.

The payoff? I recently took inventory of my close friends, groups, and social engagements regularly on my calendar. Virtually none existed ten years ago.  Each are valued and cherished, but more importantly give me a secure knowledge that I have social investments that will likely last longer than the money.

* The Wall Street Journal. (December 29, 2022 “To Invest for Retirement, Build Friendships and Hobbies” by Anne Tergesen.)

House Call is a blog written by Kathy Chiero, Licensed Realtor and Team Leader of The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus.  Find Kathy and her team at www.OurOhioHome.com

There is always tomorrow.  Until there is not.  I thought of that after my conversation with Christine.  She called me because her husband, Patrick, died unexpectedly last summer. She was getting ready to sell their home and move to the mid-Atlantic coast, something they had always talked about.

 

The move to North Carolina was just one of many things she and Patrick planned to do.  They planned a trip to Ireland.  They planned to go watch Patrick’s beloved Yankees play at Yankee Stadium.   They always wanted to take a cruise to Alaska and had never seen the Grand Canyon.  They were in their early 60’s, just at the age they thought they had to be to “have the time.”  Old enough to have lived a book, young enough to create their own last chapter. “We always thought we didn’t have time in the present.  And we always thought we would have time tomorrow” she said.

 

Christine called me because she knew I helped people get rid of stuff. She and Patrick have a home filled with very nice furniture.  She didn’t want to just give it away, she said.  “It’s not your standard furniture,” she said.  “I have a sofa that cost $12,000 and it’s hardly been used.”  In fact, she said, “I can’t remember a time we sat on it together.” I explained to Christine that, in spite of what she paid for it and its exceptional condition, she would be fortunate to get 10% of its original price on the resale market.

 

It’s a conversation I’ve had dozens of times with my downsizing clients.  As they prepare to get rid of stuff, I prepare them.   I make sure the understand that there is very little value in anything they have believed to have value: their collectibles, their furniture, and their antiques. With the exception of fine art and jewelry, gold, silver, guns and cars, there is very little value in anything we have inside the walls of our homes.  And, it’s very difficult to get rid of most of it. (See my earlier blog about re-homing pianos.)  The truth is, if you sell everything “sale-able,” give away what is wanted, and dispose of what is left, you might break even.  (Did you know that the cost to have a 2400 SF home professionally cleared of “stuff” averages $14,000?)

 

Several days after my conversation with Christine, she called me back.  Christine also knows that I regularly speak to large groups of men and women facing retirement and downsizing.  She made me promise I would tell you something. After she got off the phone, she looked at the $12,000 couch.  She thought about her words to me: “I can’t remember a time we sat on that couch together.”   “Please tell this group to invest in memories, “she said. “Patrick and I could have flown first class to Ireland for the price of that couch.”

 

Let me bring her wise counsel down to earth: maybe you don’t have a $12,000 couch.  But most of us continue to spend money on things we don’t need when we are just a few years from the day when it will all need to go out.  We are a culture that has multiple holidays in which we bring new stuff into our homes with no thought or plan to get rid of it.   Take the $50 you were going to spend on (yet another) fill-in-the-blank and ask yourself “How can I create a memory instead?”

 

Be purposeful with the days left.  We don’t even know if “days” is plural.

 

House Call is a blog written by Kathy Chiero, Licensed Realtor and Team Leader of The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus.  Find Kathy and her team at www.OurOhioHome.com

I recently had an, ahem, let’s say a difference of opinion with another Realtor.  This Realtor told me to do what he directed me to do, or he would “ruin me” with attacks on social media.  My reaction? Like the thoroughbred horse with a fly on his tail, it’s a nuisance. The horse knows it’s there. But he’s too busy winning to bother giving it any attention.  Why?  Because I know I’ve spent 25 years building a reputation that will take more than a social media tantrum to destroy. And it’s a reminder how important it is to decide who you are, what you stand for, and what you want that reputation to be before anyone knows you’re in the race.

 

The Kathy Chiero Group real estate team sells 200-ish homes a year.  That means our agents deal with hundreds of homeowners, thousands of our Realtor® colleagues and their Buyers, and dozens of support personnel.  Michael Jackson once said, “the bigger the star the bigger the target.”  Not to put ourselves in the realm of MJ, but it is inevitable that while crossing the paths of this many people we are going to cross swords with a few of them.

 

How do you build a solid reputation?  First, you write a Mission Statement.  Who are you? What do you stand for? What is your goal as a professional? How will you serve your clients? Next, you measure everything you do by that statement. Do you say you are excellent? Then measure every day’s activity by excellence.  Do you say you offer the highest caliber representation to your clients?  Learn what “highest caliber” is and do it.  Do you say you are honest?  Don’t lie.  Do you call yourself a professional? Be on time. Be prepared.  In fact, read the Boy Scout Law – that’s a great outline for a mission statement.

 

It’s the simple things that matter.  Return phone calls.  Cross ’T’s” and dot “I’s.  Know your craft. If you don’t know something, have the humility to ask.  If you know something, have the humility to answer without condescension. Give. And Give Back. Contribute to the careers of others.   Thank those that contribute to your betterment. Let your word be your word and don’t go back on it. Do the right thing even if it costs you money, time, or embarrassment.  Admit when you’re wrong, stand firm when you’re right.

 

Do that for a decade or two and you’ll have a sterling reputation.  Occasional attacks on social media?  A flick of the tail and you’re on your way.  Focus on the track and get back in the race.

 

Next week I break down how a good reputation serves you in business (and life).

 

House Call is a blog written by Kathy Chiero, Licensed Realtor and Team Leader of The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus.  Find Kathy and her team at www.OurOhioHome.com

If you’re just jumping into this Blog series, I encourage you to go back and read Parts 1-4.  I’ve been sharing about my experiences as a residential Realtor® working with the Over-55 homeowner.   In this capacity I often work with couples who are not in agreement on the need or desire to move to safer or smaller living spaces. Today we are going to talk about Reason #6. I have saved it for last because it is the #1 problem homeowners have when made the decision to downsize: getting rid of stuff.

 

We are a culture of stuff.  We have all sorts of events and celebrations to bring stuff into our homes: birthdays, Christmas, Hanukkah, anniversaries, housewarmings, etc.  We have only one ritual (that I can think of) for getting rid of stuff: garage or tag sales.  The result is that after years in a home, our decision to downsize may not be OUR decision: it is often dictated by our willingness and ability to get rid of stuff. For many homeowners this is perceived as an impossible task or, at every least, not on the top of a “to do” list and therefore suffers death by procrastination.

 

6) Unwillingness to give up stuff.  This point of resistance is extremely difficult because you may be in a situation where stuff does rule your decision.   Getting rid of personal items, furniture, and other detritus of our lives after decades in a home is hard, time consuming, expensive, and physically exhausting. This is true if there is no emotional attachment to the items.  If there is an emotional inability to get rid of things the move will be virtually impossible and requires professional intervention.  I won’t deal with that in this blog.

 

I have found that generally an over-55 homeowner has the capacity to clear a home, but that ability diminishes as one ages.

 

Age 50-60: Most homeowners have the mental and physical ability to make and execute the decisions involved in clearing their homes.

Age 60-70: Health and physical limitations begin to inhibit the ability to remove things or cognitive issues cloud the ability to make decisions.

Age 70+: The ability to clear a house is often not possible without third party help.

 

The first thing I ask you to fully grasp is this: Someone must do it.  If not you, it will be your adult kids, friends, or other family members.  Do you want to pass the burden to them?  Do you want them to be in your personal items and making decisions for you?  Clearing a home is a tremendous amount of work and expense.  I have had adult children tell me that getting rid of Mom and Dad’s stuff took a huge toll on their lives.  In addition to the physical burden of doing it, the task strained marriages, finances and relationships, permanently divided siblings, and delayed or squashed the ability to grieve the loss of a parent.

 

“Claire” told me that 3 years after clearing her dad’s home she was still angry at him for putting the burden on her. Prior to his death she and her brother had begged their father to deal with his “stuff”.  They offered their help and assistance, but he refused.  The settling of the estate and getting rid of her dad’s household items took 18 months of weekends, evenings, and holidays. It kept Claire and her husband from going on vacations and even put off having their first child because she knew she had to get this task off her agenda before she could be a mom.  Only recently did she begin talking with her brother.  The task had put so much strain on that relationship that she thought the estrangement was permanent.  Do you want that for your family?

 

Experts have said that it takes one week of full-time clearing of a home for every year you have lived in the home.  I think that estimate is optimistic unless one hires professional help.  Most of my clients have said it took them months, even a year or longer to be ready to move to a smaller space. Hiring a third-party organizer is very helpful and expedites the process.  Be prepared to spend $10,000 or more to clear a traditional 4 BR 2.5 bath home, more if there is stuff in a basement or garage.

 

Finally, recognize that if you don’t make the decision to clear your home and downsize, the decision will be made for you.  Age is not a respecter of our timetables or desires.  There will come a day when a medical emergency or even death takes this decision out of your hands and puts the task on others.  Be proactive and in control of that path by getting started now.

 

This blog is written by Kathy Chiero.  Kathy is the Team Lead for The Kathy Chiero Group of Keller Williams Greater Columbus Realtors.  Kathy has written a resource for Central Ohio homeowners who wish to get rid of stuff.  Find Kathy’s book “Got Stuff Get Help” at our website www.DownSizeColumbus.com  Thinking of Buyer or selling a home?  Find Kathy and her team at www.OurOhioHome.com