Play like a team and keep the peace.  Why a game plan is important when settling Dad and Mom’s affairs.

Play like a team and keep the peace.  Why a game plan is important when settling Dad and Mom’s affairs.

How many siblings? Who is in charge?  Is there a legal directive? If not, is there a plan?  Is anyone fighting the plan? When I am approached by an adult child to sell the home owned by parents these are the questions I ask before I set foot in the home to be sold.  Why?  Because experience has told me that in the vast majority of cases absent  a  clear, legal directive, selling Mom and Dad’s home follows the dynamics of a dysfunctional baseball team.

First, start with the very-likely assumption that the sale is because of death, disability, or medical crisis.  This, in itself, sets up a family  for decision making in a time of anxiety and grief.  Past family dynamics don’t change and very seldom do  pre-existing sibling behavior patterns. These ingrained responses do not go away simply because we need to “pull together.”  Absent of (and often even with) a legal directive families are set up for hurt feelings at best or, at worst, legal wrangling.  Is this what Mom and Dad want?

Here are the oft-seen sibling roles:

Umpire:  Usually the daughter.  She has been the caregiver for years.  She is most familiar with and has carried the burden of caring for Dad and/or Mom. She has the legal or practical charge of carrying out Mom and Dad’s wishes.  She is the ‘final word.’

Coach: This sibling may or may not have a clear understanding of what the Umpire has dealt with, but feels (rightly or wrongly) that they know the best way forward.  This might be the oldest, the perceived smartest,  or most ‘successful’ child by societal standards and thus feels entitled to ‘call the shots.’  Conflict can arise when the Coach challenges the Umpire, or the  Umpire overrides the Coach.

Right Fielder:  This brother or sister has had virtually nothing to do with the parents for years but by virtue of being on the field feels the need or right to voice an opinion.  While having little insight and rare opportunity to ‘play’ in the care giving of Mom and Dad, this voice is hard to ignore because, well, they are on the field.

Yelling Dad in the Stands:  This is the sibling who  hasn’t had any contact with anyone. They may literally miles away or might as well because they don’t come around or involve themselves with the family. However, at this crisis point insists on inserting themselves in the middle because money is involved and some of it might be coming their way.  They haven’t visited in years but show up within hours (uninvited) with a U-Haul to clear the home of the items they want.

Shortstop: The Essential Player. Wants to support the Umpire but afraid to offend the Coach, loves the Right Fielder, and is afraid of the Yelling Dad. Will do whatever the majority decides, even at his/her own detriment, but unwilling to rock the boat.

What happens?  Plenty of not good.  Even the most loving of families can turn into an emotional pressure cooker when grief, money, and stress all enter the playing field.   Family members bring to the field their own past, hopes for and opinions of their parents. Everything the parents might want (or what they deserve) is seen  through this biased life  lens.

Resentment brews because the Umpire has shouldered the majority of life interruption while the others looked on offering little help…until now.   There are differing opinions of “fair.”  The Umpire feels that he/she should have greater voice or compensation.  The Coach feels that his/her voice should have authority based on birth order or brains.  Right Field demands to be heard after years of playing in the background.  Yelling Dad wants his/her “due” because of a life of perceived offenses.  And Shortstop is wiling to lose his/her “due” to keep the peace. Throw in money and there can be a brawl on the field.

How do you keep discord to a minimum?

Encourage your parents to clearly document their wishes early in the process.  Ideally this should be with the help of an attorney, but at very least in writing.  Discuss these wishes in the presence of parents and each other.

Assign clear roles before the crisis:   Who handles the bank accounts? Who makes medical decisions?  Who steers the  legal decisions?  Who plans the details of the funeral and burial? If additional caretaking is needed – how is that role shared and is it compensated?

Assign “stuff” and money before the disability or death occurs. Who gets the grand piano? Who is responsible for clearing the home and is the stuff sold or donated? Should the Umpire get paid extra for the caretaking work?  If Short Stop wants to buy the family home – how is a value determined?  Proceeds split?  Should the Yelling Dad get less because back in 2010 Mom and Dad had to empty a portion of a 401K to bail him/her out when on the brink of bankruptcy?  Not only are these and like situations not unusual, they are predictable.  Deal with them early and while Mom and Dad can put their wishes in writing.

Remember, good intentions are not a plan.  Someone has to be in charge, but all parties can have part in it.  Respect the Umpire.  Remind yourself that the relationship with your siblings is more important than the grand piano and winning doesn’t happen unless you play like a team.

This Blog is written by Kathy Chiero, Lead Agent for The Kathy Chiero Group.  Want a free “tip sheet” on preparing for a smooth settling of Dad and Mom’s estate?  Visit us a OurOhioHome.com  Ready to sell? Contact me for a no-obligation analysis of the value of your home.